


Shattered

by Dogsocks



Series: Words Not Spoken [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, POV Alternating, this is clearly going to be sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7401811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogsocks/pseuds/Dogsocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He really should have seen this coming, but he didn't <i>want</i> to.<br/>She might be able to accept it, but Kyoutani isn't. Then again, he never will be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Well here's that sad story I've been working on. I ended up having to make it two chapters because it got too long. This is your warning, this is not the fluffy part of this story, and it is sad. You've been warned.
> 
> (As always, this can technically stand alone, but it makes a lot more sense if you read the rest of the series first.)

Kyoutani sees the clock as he pushes open the front door. He's just on time to feed the dogs dinner. He makes his way over to the cabinet to get the dog food when something catches his eye. There's one empty bowl, but one that's full, completely untouched. It makes his heart sink. He really should have seen this coming, but he didn't _want_ to.

Kyoutani had known something was wrong before, but maybe Shiba just had bad joints. She's a really old dog, and that could explain not using the stairs. That could explain away this feeling, but now he knows it's something worse if she isn't eating. It hurts to think about.

He shakes the thought for long enough to fill Lady's bowl and find Shiba. She's laying on the floor next to the couch when he spots her. She lifts her head and peeks up at him with tired eyes. She looks so old, like somehow she knows more about the world than Kyoutani ever will. There's also this wise look somewhere there, like she knows something is wrong with her, but at the same time, something like acceptance.

"Don't look at me like that," Kyoutani says, sliding to sit down next to the dog. He scratches her neck and she sets her head back down on his leg. She might be able to accept it, but Kyoutani is not. Then again, he never will be.

It's then that Kyoutani hears keys in the door, followed quickly by the sound of the door opening and footsteps pushing through. Kyoutani feels his spine stiffen as he follows the path of the sound through the kitchen with his ears. Eventually, the footsteps and the man attached to them show up in the living room along with the lingering scent of alcohol.

He seems surprised to see Kyoutani there, but the faint shock quickly fades back into his dad's usual frustrated expression. Kyoutani doesn't want to do this right now, doesn't want to deal with him when he's already feeling so broken. He knows it's a bad idea to stay, but he needs to tell him about Shiba.

"I'm using the living room," his father grunts, "Go upstairs, and take that dog with you."

"She can't _go_ upstairs," Kyoutani says through gritted teeth, staring at the floor. How did his dad not notice Shiba staying downstairs? Or the way she whines when someone goes up without her? How can he manage to be blissfully unaware? Kyoutani knows his dad doesn't give a shit about the animals, but these things are hard to miss. Kyoutani is already mad, and he doesn't even have the guts to say what he wants yet.

"Since when?" his dad barks defensively, almost like he's offended. Like for some reason he thinks Kyoutani is making it up. It pisses Kyoutani off, but he keeps his eyes down, to the side, anywhere but him.

"For _weeks_!" Kyoutani shouts, then he finally looks up, "And now she won't eat anything either and I think there's something seriously wrong." 

"There's nothing wrong with the damn dog. It looks fine to me." She. _She_. Not _it_. Kyoutani knows he's getting more and more mad, knows this will end badly for him. But something is wrong with Shiba and he can't do nothing. He can't let anything happen to her. He can't.

"There _is_ something wrong with her! Look at her!" Kyoutani fires back, voice straining.

"What are you going to do, cry about it?" his father scolds. "It's just a dog." Kyoutani can feel his anger rising faster, can feel his hands shake. Shiba is so much more to him than just a dog.

"She's more than just a fucking dog to _me_! Maybe not to you," Kyoutani spits. "You didn't even notice she was getting sick."

"Kentarou, the dog is fine. Now, get out of my way."

"She isn't _fine_! We need to take her to the vet," Kyoutani replies abruptly before the man has a chance to move. He can feel every emotion course through him, from rage, to desperation, to sadness as he tries to hold it all in for as long as he can manage. He knows this is getting dangerous, but he doesn't give a shit now.

"There is no we. If you want to take the the fucking dog to the vet, do it yourself and don't bother me about it," his dad says, walking over to the couch.

"She can't walk that far! I need someone to at least drive me there," Kyoutani replies, anger giving way to desperation.

"Not my problem," he grunts back angrily, "It's not like I care about the damn thing."

"I do!" Kyoutani practically screams. But, it's not like that means anything to this man. "And you know mom did too."

"Yeah, she had a way of caring way too much about things that didn't deserve it," his father spits back, glaring at Kyoutani with more than enough suggestion in his voice of who he's really talking about. Kyoutani knows he shouldn't have brought her up, because now all he wants to do is scream at the man in front of him.

"Don't fucking talk about her like that! She cared about _everything_ , even assholes who didn't deserve it like you and me!" Kyoutani can feel himself slipping, loosing little pieces of everything he's trying so hard to hold together. "How can you just say things like that about the woman who loved you, who you actually loved? You act like you never did at all."

"Watch your fucking mouth, Kentarou." This is beyond dangerous, but Kyoutani knows it's also beyond repair at this point in the conversation.

"Why, because I'm right?" Kyoutani has to try to calm down, get back to what he was trying to talk about. He's getting too far in a direction he won't be able to come back from soon. This isn't why he's here. He could scream at his dad all night over the way he talks about mom, but this isn't about that. "You know she loved these dogs like family and you can't even be bothered to care now. We need to take her to the vet, and you know it."

"There's nothing to care about. The fucking dog is _fine_. Besides, all it does is waste money anyways."

"She's _dying_!" Kyoutani shouts, feeling the fire inside him burning, eating away at him. He'd been trying not to say it, trying not to believe it. He can feel everything he's been trying to hold in slipping away at the words, can feel his eyes sting, because his dad _knows_ she could be dying. And he can't even be bothered to _pretend_ to care. "What fucking money has she ever been wasting, your drinking money? I'm sure you need more of that. I could fucking smell you from down the street."

The words come out too fast, on their own. Kyoutani can't help it. The rage, the pain in his chest, the frustration, it's too much. Every emotion has brought him to his breaking point. Every ounce of self control holding him together has slipped away. He knew it would happen. This is how these conversations always end. Every rude, bitter word out of that man's fucking mouth pisses Kyoutani off until he ends up saying something he regrets. 

And that was it.

He can hear the footsteps approaching, but Kyoutani's already looking away, protecting his face, bracing himself for the worst. He turns away, but his damn pride is too much for him to run away.

 

Kyoutani stays downstairs that night. He can't stand to leave Shiba whimpering at the foot of the stairs again. He just can't do it. Not tonight. His heart has taken enough for one day.

He lays next to her on the cold, hard tiles of the kitchen floor. He has to adjust for a minute, trying not to upset any bruises on the unforgiving surface of the floor. When he's settled, Shiba puts her head on his chest and at some point Lady wanders in to lay nearby.

As Kyoutani sits with Shiba breathing deep and even beside him, his thoughts wander. None of them are good thoughts. After a few minutes, he can feel his own restlessness and a deep ache in his chest that actually starts to worry him. All he's doing is stressing himself out, so he tries to leave the thoughts by calling Yahaba.

It makes him angry to see his hands shake but he can't will them to stop, nor does he have the energy to worry about it for much longer. Kyoutani feels like everything has been taken out of him, leaving him exhausted and vulnerable. It's a terrible feeling, but at the same time it makes him feel kind of numb for a while. 

_"Hello?"_ Yahaba says, finally answering the phone. Kyoutani wasn't even sure he would pick up, actually. It's kind of a relief.

"Hi," Kyoutani says softly into the phone.

 _"Why are you awake? Is everything okay?"_ Yahaba asks, sounding concerned. _"Do you want to come here?_ "

"No, I'm fine," Kyoutani says. That's so far from the truth he almost laughs, but he doesn't want to explain his night right now. He just wants Yahaba to be there, to keep away the thoughts and the awful feeling that goes with them. "I just, I don't know. I guess I just wanted to talk to you. Sorry if you were asleep."

_"It's fine. What do you need to talk about?"_

"I don't know," Kyoutani replies nervously. He knows he probably doesn't sound okay. "Nothing really. I can't really sleep right now, and I just wanted to hear you."

 _"Okay?"_ Yahaba says, skeptically, like he knows something is wrong. Thankfully, he doesn't ask more or press the issue. He just talks until Kyoutani falls asleep.

***

"Yahaba!" Oikawa calls as he jogs over, "Where's Kyouken-chan today? Is he sick or something?"

It's right before morning practice, and Yahaba had just been realizing Kyoutani's absence when Oikawa approached him. Honestly, Yahaba has no idea where Kyoutani is. But, if he were sick, he would have told Yahaba somehow. He always does. Yahaba doesn't have any texts or missed calls from Kyoutani, which only leads him to believe something worse has happened to him. Maybe he got hurt or something. 

Or maybe it has something to do with the call last night. Kyoutani hadn't said what was wrong, but he definitely wasn't okay. His voice shook in a way Yahaba has never heard. He couldn't quite tell what the emotion was, but it worried him. 

"No, he usually tells me when he's sick," Yahaba replies finally as his mind spins with possibilities. "Um, do you mind if I call him and ask where he is before we start?" Yahaba asks, knowing he sounds a little too desperate, but he can't help it. "It'll be really quick," he adds.

Oikawa looks him over for a moment, with a look in his eye that Yahaba can't quite place, before showing a quick nod of approval.

Yahaba tries to walk at a decent pace, at least until he's out of view, as he heads back to the locker room. He opens his locker hastily and fishes his phone out of his backpack before quickly dialing Kyoutani's number.

It rings, and rings, then rings some more. Yahaba calls twice and Kyoutani doesn't pick up. Yahaba knows he can't spend all day in here calling Kyoutani, and if he didn't pick up the first two times, odds are he won't pick up the next time anyways. 

Yahaba is worried, probably more than he should be, but he can't help it. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tries to think optimistically for the time being. It doesn't really work but it's better than nothing.

He sends a quick text to Kyoutani asking where he is before he runs back to practice. Hopefully he'll answer.

***

This isn't exactly how Kyoutani wanted to spend his morning, but it has to be done.

He had woken up earlier and decided that he was just going to have to walk Shiba to the vet himself. He didn't want to, he didn't want to have to go to the vet at all, really, but he needed to. This was more important than practice, or school, or anything else he could be doing.

He had started off by walking with Shiba on her leash. She was slower than usual, but she managed for a while, trotting along in a tired manner. The sight of her like this, slow and sick as opposed to her usual energetic sprint, hurt Kyoutani in a way he would never be able to put into words. It made him sad, but he pushed that away. He didn't need to think of that now. She's just getting old. She'll be fine. He doesn't even completely believe that anymore, no matter how many times he's told himself in an attempt to ease his nerves and the feeling in his chest, but he pretends to believe it, for his own sake.

After a while, Shiba stopped and Kyoutani had to take the large dog into his arms in a way that was manageable and also wouldn't hurt Shiba. She seemed to dislike when he touched her stomach, which was unsettling and sent a fresh wave of worry through Kyoutani before he shoved the feeling away and kept walking.

Now he's been walking for almost twenty minutes with her in his arms, and she isn't too heavy for Kyoutani to hold, but this is a really long walk. After a while it gets harder and he has to stop to take a break a few times, sitting on the sidewalk with Shiba laying next to him.

At one point about halfway there, his phone rings. It's probably Yahaba, but he can't get his phone now. He has a dog in his arms and his phone is in his back pocket. That doesn't matter anyways. He can't talk right now. Kyoutani doesn't exactly know why he tells himself that, but he just ignores the calls anyways. After two calls, there's a text. Maybe he'll check it later. 

Maybe he should have just texted Yahaba or something earlier, saying where he was going, but for some reason, he didn't want to. Maybe he was a bad boyfriend, making Yahaba worry like this, but he just couldn't bring himself to tell Yahaba this morning, and Kyoutani isn't quite sure why. He doesn't want to think about that, or anything for that matter. It doesn't matter right now. Nothing matters more than this. If Yahaba is mad, he can deal with that later.

***

Yahaba is worried all day. He knows it probably isn't as bad as anything his mind is supplying him, but he can't help but think about all the worst possibilities.

"Stop worrying," Watari says as Yahaba checks his phone again on their way to afternoon practice. Still no texts.

"I can't help it," Yahaba whines. "What if he's really hurt or something? What if it's his dad? Or maybe it's because of me. What if I did something wrong, Watari?" He knows he sounds pathetic, knows most of the things he's been suggesting to Watari all day are way less than likely, but he can't even force himself to care anymore. When he gets worried, he thinks too hard.

"Stop with all the 'what if' questions," Watari says firmly. "All it's doing is making you more freaked out. You didn't do anything wrong, especially if he called you last night just to talk. Maybe something is wrong, or maybe he's just worried about something and needs you there. You don't know, and neither do I. Just wait until he replies." 

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will," Watari says with a confidence that Yahaba isn't sure is real or just to make him stop freaking out. "And if he doesn't by tomorrow, go check on him or something."

Yahaba just sighs and nods as they approach the locker room. Watari is probably right, so he tries to calm down and wait.

 

As Yahaba starts walking home, he hears his phone receive a text. He immediately scrambles for his phone in a way that is definitely too desperate. Luckily no one is around to see it.

**Yahaba: Where are you?**

**Kyoutani: I was carrying Shiba to the vet.**

It's a huge relief that Kyoutani isn't hurt or something, but now he can only think the worst about Shiba. He tries to tell himself that maybe Shiba is just sick with something simple, or needs some shots, but he knows that's wishful thinking. Shiba is old.

He cuts off his train of thought before it can go any further in that direction and flips it back to Kyoutani. Yahaba knows Shiba is big, and definitely heavy. And the closest vet isn't really near Kyoutani's house at all. It's at least a half an hour walk, maybe more, and he said he was carrying his huge dog all the way there. And he has to get home somehow, too, if he isn't already.

**Yahaba: Are you still at the vet?**

Yahaba sends the message quickly and waits for a response. He slows down as he comes to the point where he has to decide which house he's walking to. Luckily, as Yahaba gets there, his phone goes off.

**Kyoutani: No. I'm home.**

Yahaba finds himself hovering over the keyboard before putting his phone away. He never asked what was wrong with Shiba and he isn't sure he wants to know the answer either. He pushes the thoughts away again and heads towards Kyoutani's house.

***

Kyoutani puts his phone back in his pocket as he walks into his house. Lady comes to the door. Just Lady. She rubs against him affectionately but all it does is make it hurt more. He swallows the lump in his throat and shoves the feeling away. He doesn't want to think about it yet. He never wanted to think about it. He doesn't want to think about anything.  
He sees his gym bag at the foot of the stairs as he walks by. He should take it to his room before his dad comes home and throws a fit about it being there. It's a welcome distraction from the emptiness he feels nagging at him.

He furrows his brow harder and picks up the bag. He's about halfway up the stairs when the bottom rips and the contents spread themselves between him and the bottom of the stairs.

"Are you fucking _kidding me?_ " Kyoutani grunts through gritted teeth. "With this _shit_ right now?" he continues, throwing the useless bag down the stairs. He's having a bad enough day as it is. He's been dreading this day for a long time and he really doesn't need little shit like this making it even worse. Normally, something like this sucks. Today, it's terrible, like someone is just trying to fucking make this day the worst it can possibly be. It doesn't even feel _tolerable_. 

He stomps back down the stairs, kicking the crap that was in his bag across the room as he does. He doesn't even care about that now. He's not picking it up anymore. He just isn't. Let his dad yell. It's not like this day is getting any better.

Kyoutani actually hasn't eaten anything all day, so he heads away from the mess into the kitchen to at least try to calm down and eat. He's breathing too heavy, his heart is racing, and he feels like complete shit in so many different ways as far too many emotions wage war inside of him. He just wants to eat lunch and sleep as long as he can. He wants to sleep away this day, this damn feeling, everything. Maybe it's all a dream and he'll wake up with two dogs in his bed and a heart with no holes in it.

He knows that won't happen, but he still doesn't want to think about any of it. He's not ready to. But then, will he ever be?

There's a beer bottle on the counter when he gets to the kitchen, unopened. There usually is. It isn't new for alcohol to be lying around, but for some reason it sends a sudden wave of rage back through him. Maybe it has to do with the conversation with his dad last night, what he said mixed with what happened today, that makes it such an infuriating sight. Maybe his brain is just looking for a fight, for something or someone to blame this feeling on. Either way, it makes him mad in a way he can't even begin to describe. It hits him hard and consumes every inch of his body, and he couldn't care less what it makes him do.

In a fit of irrational rage and overflowing emotion, he opens the cabinet and takes out every bottle of alcohol his dad has stashed. He grabs the beer on his way out, arms full of the damn stuff as he storms back towards the front door. 

He opens the first bottle and dumps it out, watches as the dark liquid drains away and creeps down the street. It's only a matter of minutes before he's emptied every bottle out onto the sidewalk and thrown the empty glass into the yard, grumbling and swearing as he does. His dad will see them, but Kyoutani can't even force himself to think about that or care. He _wants_ him to see them. Maybe then that man will feel some of the pain Kyoutani does.

Breathing heavy, fire still in his eyes, Kyoutani goes back inside, slamming the door. He doesn't even know where this all came from, but he lets the feeling eat him alive as he goes back to the kitchen. 

He walks in and sees the cabinet still open, and for some reason, that breaks something fragile inside of him. It's just a cabinet. He was the one who opened it, but for some reason the fact that it's open is so _frustrating_. It's like he was just below the breaking point and that tiny thing, something that he usually wouldn't even care about, set him so far over the edge. Any control he might have had left snaps in that instant. 

He storms over and slams it shut, but it bounces back open. He tries again, but it won't stay closed, no matter how he tries to do it. Why won't it just fucking _stay_. Why is everything against him today? He tries again and again until he's just slamming the cabinet door repetedly and screaming. He's not screaming at the cabinet. He isn't mad at the cabinet. He just wants to scream. At himself, at the world, at everything, and yet still nothing at all. It feels like everything that's been building up is coming out now, and he has no control over it. So he just yells and lets it happen, lets the feeling take over his body and use him like a puppet.

***

The first sign that something actually is very wrong when Yahaba arrives at Kyoutani's house is the lawn full of alcohol bottles, which is unusual to say the least.

Yahaba can't even begin to come up with a reason for them being there before the second sign that something is seriously wrong presents itself. The screaming. He can hear it from outside, the mangled words and sounds escaping the house in none other than Kyoutani's voice. His heart almost stops. 

Yahaba doesn't even have time to think of the cause. His head is spinning and he's far too busy realizing that he's bursting through the front door without hesitation, running even. He turns the corner and it's not good, but it certainly isn't what he had been expecting to find.

Kyoutani is in the kitchen, screaming something to himself, and slamming a cabinet door repeatedly. As Yahaba runs to him, to stop him, or talk to him, or something, _anything_ , he notices that for some reason there are clothes all over the hallway on his way. But that isn't important right now. All that matters is making sure Kyoutani is okay. Well, clearly he isn't, but Yahaba has to do something. 

He doesn't know what happened, or what's wrong, he only knows that something is clearly wrong. It hurts Yahaba just seeing Kyoutani in such distress. Yahaba knows he really couldn't have, but he still feels like he should have gotten here sooner, like he should have seen this coming before now. Maybe he just wasn't paying attention like he should've been. It feels like it's his job to be here to prevent Kyoutani from reaching the point of a breakdown, but instead he has to watch as Kyoutani crumbles. At this point, if he can't stop Kyoutani from breaking, Yahaba can at least be there to put the pieces back together.

"Kyoutani!" Yahaba shouts as approaches. Kyoutani doesn't stop, might not have even heard him. "Kyoutani, stop! Please, just--"

***

It was a reflex, Kyoutani knows. He was already in the middle of shattering, letting every emotion that had been fighting to be on the surface break through and come out all at once, breaking whatever was left of him in the process. He isn't okay right now, he knows that. But his body reacted on instinct.

He felt a hand on him suddenly, a heavy weight on his shoulder. It wasn't a bad touch, but it was sudden, and in this state, his body had jumped into self defense. He whipped around before he could think to do otherwise. He felt his hand connect with whoever it was, then he felt his heart shatter even further when he realized it was Yahaba, probably trying to stop him from doing whatever the fuck it was that he was doing.

As Yahaba's hands instinctively fly to his face to hold where he's been hit, Kyoutani can feel all the rage drain out of his body, leaving him empty and weak, with a horrified expression on his face. Any energy he had is completely gone, replaced with an awful mixture of guilt and sadness. Yahaba looks at him with worried eyes and Kyoutani can feel the sting in his own as his vision begins to blur and his legs give way beneath him. He slides to the floor and finally the tears that have been begging to be set free since yesterday fall, rolling down his cheeks as his shoulders shake gently with the silent sobs escaping him. He can't find the energy to care.

Yahaba crouches down and Kyoutani looks away. He doesn't want to look at him. "Kyoutani," Yahaba says softly. He sounds so concerned about Kyoutani, even with the fresh mark on his cheek that really should have had the opposite effect. Why does Kyoutani only ever hurt the people he cares about? The people that care about _him_?

"Go," Kyoutani manages to croak out.

"Kyoutani, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong," Yahaba says firmly, yet it's still gentle. "I'm seriously worried about you right now. I have been since yesterday, but this is scary."

"No, just..." Kyoutani doesn't even know what he's trying to say, so he lets himself cry a little more instead. He doesn't even want to try and explain the past few days to Yahaba. He can't right now, he just can't. Not yet. "I'm sorry," he finally continues. "Please just leave, Yahaba. I'm sorry." He feels bad, but he isn't doing this right now.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Yahaba says as he puts a hand on Kyoutani's knee, but Kyoutani flinches away from the touch. "Kyoutani, what happened? I've never seen you like this."

"Yahaba, I can't, right now," Kyoutani persists, voice straining and cracking. "Please, just go home. I'll be fine."

"Kyoutani," Yahaba starts before cutting himself off with a sigh. He looks like he's thinking before he rises to his feet. "Fine, okay. I'll call you later," he finishes before leaving Kyoutani alone on his kitchen floor.

***

"I feel so bad though. I think I did the wrong thing," Yahaba says as he lays on Watari's bed.

"How so?" Watari asks from the floor where he sits with his legs on the bed.

"I've never seen him like that ever, Watari" Yahaba says, rolling onto his side. "He was a complete wreck and something is definitely really wrong. He was literally in the middle of a mental breakdown. I'm so worried about him, but I just left him there and I feel like a horrible person."

"That's what he wanted though," Watari points out,

"Yeah, but I still feel like I shouldn't have left him. I should've stayed anyways. He would've stayed if it were me," Yahaba says, crushing Watari's pillow between his arms.

"Maybe, but you're two different people. Maybe he just needs space. What even happened?"

"He wouldn't tell me," Yahaba says quietly. It makes him feel even worse that Kyoutani wouldn't even tell him what's wrong. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it. Yahaba doesn't know, but he does have an idea of what it could be. But he doesn't really want it to be true.

"Well you talked to him before this right?" Yahaba nods. "Didn't he tell you anything that could have to do with it?" Yeah, but Yahaba doesn't want that to be true.

"He wasn't at school because he was at the vet with his really old dog."

"Oh."

***

Kyoutani moves to the couch eventually and lets the tears return. It feels good to cry. Kyoutani hasn't cried in a really long time, but right now it seems okay. It's all he really has the energy for, anyways. The anger is long gone and now only the ache in his chest and the hole in his heart remain.

It's only a few minutes before he hears the front door fly open followed by hurried footsteps that run into the kitchen. The cabinet opens, then slams shut.

"What the fuck did you do?" his father shouts from the kitchen.

"It doesn't matter right?" Kyoutani shouts back weakly. He knows his voice cracks, but who even cares? "Ya know, since the dog isn't wasting all that money anymore." He hopes his dad isn't too drunk to understand exactly what that sentence means.

He can hear his dad continue to swear as he stomps into the living room. Kyoutani knows what's coming and he can't bring himself to care tonight. He asked for this, after all.

His father's expression is furious, but as he catches sight of Kyoutani, his expression fades into something more like confusion. He stops in his tracks. It's confusing to Kyoutani for a moment until he remembers that his dad hasn't even seen him cry since elementary school. He swore he'd never let him see it again. Not that it even matters to Kyoutani right now, because here he is, tears and snot running down his face as he sits on the couch and stares up at his dad. He knows how pathetic he looks, but what is there to lose from that by now?

"Go ahead," he manages to get out between hiccups, "Hit me. It's not like it can make this day any worse." Kyoutani looks at him in the eyes, and the man still hasn't moved. His expression is one Kyoutani can't even read. Kyoutani doesn't even brace himself. He just waits, limp as the tears keep coming of their own free will. The sound of his stuttered breathing is all that he can hear in the long silence that follows.

After a moment, his dad finally moves, but not towards him. His face goes back to his usual angry expression, but instead of moving forward towards the brat who dumped out all his liquor, he turns back into the kitchen, and seconds later Kyoutani hears footsteps ascending the stairs.


	2. Picking Up The Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he had planned to go through this alone, but why the fuck was he doing that if he didn't have to?  
> He has people. He has Yahaba.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's the end of this little story. So, I'm sorry it's shorter than usual. This is just everything that didn't fit into chapter one because it was getting really long. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Kyoutani is avoiding him.

Yahaba isn't sure exactly which thing is the cause, but all day Kyoutani has been avoiding Yahaba at every turn. Whenever Kyoutani sees him in the halls, he goes to other way. If Yahaba catches him, he doesn't run away or anything, but he doesn't say much until he finds an excuse to leave. He went to practice late, left early. 

Yahaba can't help but feel like everything is going backwards, like all the progress him and Kyoutani have made is slipping away, and Yahaba definitely doesn't want that. 

Yahaba just wants to help Kyoutani through whatever is really going on. He cares so damn much about Kyoutani. It feels like it's Yahaba's job to be there to help him. And maybe Watari is right and Kyoutani just needs space right now, but having to just sit back and watch him acting like this hurts in a way Yahaba can't even describe. He feels so _useless_ , but what can he really do if Kyoutani doesn't even want to see Yahaba, let alone talk about it? Sure, Yahaba can try to be there for him if or when he does decide to open up about it, but who knows if he will at all?

Especially since the last time Kyoutani avoided him like this, it was the only other time Kyoutani had hit Yahaba. Maybe part of this is Kyoutani just doing that dumb thing he does when he thinks Yahaba should be mad, avoiding him and thinking all of it is his fault. But it isn't Kyoutani's fault.

Just like last time, Yahaba is quite aware that getting hit was only his own fault. Kyoutani was clearly having some sort of breakdown to begin with when Yahaba got there, which isn't really a great time to try to grab someone, especially someone who still has a few issues with being touched. Honestly, Yahaba should've learned from last time that trying to grab Kyoutani when he's emotional doesn't end well. But Yahaba panicked. It isn't Kyoutani's fault, though Yahaba knows he's probably somewhere by himself thinking that it is.

Yahaba knows he's just thinking around the actual issue now as he walks to lunch. He knows his suspicions about it are probably right, but he really doesn't _want_ them to be. It breaks Yahaba's heart to think about, though it's not like it could've been anything good. Kyoutani was literally sobbing on his kitchen floor, and Yahaba had never once seen Kyoutani cry until then.

Even if he is right, Yahaba can't heal those wounds. He can only be the band-aid until they heal on their own. It honestly makes Yahaba feel like he should be able to do something more, but he can't do _anything_ until he gets Kyoutani to talk to him about it. Yahaba can't force Kyoutani, but he's starting to worry that he'll keep it bottled up forever.

When Kyoutani is nowhere to be found during lunch, Yahaba decides that it's time to at least try to do something, anything. He can't just watch anymore, it's killing him. Maybe Kyoutani still wants space, wants to clean those wounds a little longer, but if all Yahaba can do is be a band-aid, then he's going to at least try.

Yahaba stands up abruptly and gathers his things with a look of determination on his face.

"Where are you going?" Watari asks around a mouth full of rice.

"To be a band-aid."

"What?"

***

Kyoutani knows this is stupid, eating his lunch alone in the library. Yahaba is probably mad at Kyoutani for avoiding him, which would be understandable, honestly. Then again, why isn't Yahaba mad at Kyoutani for hitting him? Kyoutani feels guilty just remembering it. He knows Yahaba will tell him it's not his fault and all that shit, but that doesn't make him feel any better.

It feels weird, eating with his book and his headphones like he used to. He hasn't eaten in the library in a long time, though, so hopefully Yahaba won't find him here. Kyoutani feels like a shitty person, hiding from Yahaba like this, but he doesn't want to see Yahaba right now. All he's going to do if he finds Kyoutani is ask about what happened, and Kyoutani doesn't want to talk about it. 

He knows he should feel like he can talk to Yahaba, but for some reason he just doesn't with this. Kyoutani doesn't even want to think about it.

***

It takes a long time, but Yahaba finds him, curled up in the corner of the library, book in his lap, headphones on. He's looking at the book, but Yahaba can tell Kyoutani isn't reading. He's thinking.

Yahaba strides over with as much confidence as he can portray, though he has no idea what he's going to say. He sits down next to Kyoutani, who doesn't even look up. He just keeps his eyes down, brow slightly furrowed. Yahaba knows he's seen him, the way his eyes dart to the side a few times, but Kyoutani doesn't say a word.

"I know you're not actually reading," Yahaba says finally. He sees Kyoutani's eyes glance up at him before he looks back down.

"Well, you walked over," he grunts in reply.

"You weren't reading before that either. I saw," Yahaba states softly.

"Okay." What is that even supposed to mean? This is how every conversation goes now. Kyoutani said as little as possible and it's so frustrating.

"So, why are you here instead of lunch with us?" Yahaba asks hopefully. Kyoutani has to say at least two words.

"I wanted to be."

Yahaba sighs loudly and he can see Kyoutani's face change, just a little. "Why are you avoiding me, Kyoutani?"

"I'm not."

"You _are_ ," Yahaba says abruptly and Kyoutani shifts uncomfortably next to him. "Is it because of yesterday? Because that wasn't your fault. I'm not mad at you for that."

"I know."

"Are you mad at me?" Yahaba asks softly, like he doesn't want to hear the answer.

Kyoutani suddenly looks confused. "Why would I be?" he says, finally looking up, furrowing his brow in something like concern.

"I don't know," Yahaba says looking away. "You're avoiding me and, you're acting different. I know something happened, but it feels like I'm losing you. And I really don't want that. I hate watching you act whatever way this is because you won't even let me help you."

"Don't worry about it," Kyoutani says looking back to his book, "I don't need you to help me, Yahaba. I just need--"

"Space?" Yahaba interrupts, sounding a little more annoyed than he intended. "Kyoutani, you aren't alone anymore. You don't need to deal with everything by yourself now. You have people you can rely on now, you have me. It's okay to need people."

Kyoutani says nothing, just looks down at his book with an expression Yahaba can't read. Yahaba kisses him lightly on the cheek before standing up and walking out, hoping Kyoutani will at least think about what Yahaba said.

***

Maybe Yahaba is right. Kyoutani never had people to go to, talk to, rely on. He was always alone, and that was fine. He had always expected to have to deal with this by himself when it came, but he wasn't prepared for how heavy this weight would be on him. He didn't know how fragile he could be until he broke, didn't know how much he could take until suddenly it was too much.

It's all too much on his own. But he isn't alone now. He has people. Maybe he had planned to go through this alone, but why the fuck was he doing that if he didn't have to?

He has people. He has Yahaba.

***

Yahaba wakes up to a tapping on the window next to his bed. He rubs his eyes sleepily before fumbling to get the window open. Kyoutani tumbles through and before Yahaba can even realize what's happening, Kyoutani has both his arms wrapped tightly around Yahaba and his head tucked into the crook of his shoulder.

"Kyouta--"

"I'm sorry," Kyoutani blurts out. "I'm sorry I avoided you and I'm sorry I've been such a god awful boyfriend lately. I know you just want to help me, I know. I'm sorry I worried you so much, Yahaba. You aren't losing me, I promise," he fires off quietly in quick succession, voice sounding desperate and strained. Yahaba doesn't feel anything but relief wash over his body. He wraps his arms around Kyoutani so tight, like he might slip away again if he doesn't.

"I do need you, Yahaba," Kyoutani says after a while, barely above a whisper. "I need you so much. Shiba died and I don't know why I thought I could deal with that on my own, because I can't. I thought I could fucking do it but all I did was break," he continues, voice growing shaky in his throat. Yahaba was right, about Shiba, and it breaks his heart in two. He didn't ever want to be right.

"We all break sometimes, Kyoutani. It's just part of living," Yahaba says softly, "You just need someone there to help you pick up the pieces when you do," he continues as he rubs small circles on Kyoutani's back.

"I know she was just a dog, but she was my dog," Kyoutani croaks out. Yahaba can't see his face, but he can feel his own shoulder start to get wet. "And for so damn long she was all I had! After my mom died, my dad started to drink more." Yahaba can't help the shock he feels at the statement. Kyoutani had never talked to Yahaba about his mom before now, let alone that that's where his dad's alcohol problem had started. 

"And my dad only ever hits me when he's drunk," Kyoutani continues as fast as he can without choking on the words in his throat. "So for so fucking long, Shiba was the only good thing I really had in my life. And it's stupid, but somehow it almost feels like I'm losing a piece of my mom because she loved that dog more than anyone else ever could. Shiba was hers. Ours. And now she's gone too."

After that Kyoutani stops talking for a long time, words traded in for muffled sobs and shaking shoulders. He grabs handfuls of Yahaba's shirt as he holds him tighter and just cries into him. Yahaba doesn't say anything, just holds Kyoutani as tight as he possibly can, rubbing his back and stroking a thumb gently through the hair by his neck.

Yahaba never wants to let Kyoutani go, just wants to hold him forever like this, comfort him, make him feel safe in his arms. Maybe he holds him tight for fear of losing him, maybe it's to keep all his pieces held together. Either way, he knows this is how it's supposed to be.

***

Kyoutani lays in Yahaba's bed, with Yahaba at his back, arms still wrapped tight around him. He's exhausted from the day, and his eyes sting from crying, but it felt good. It felt good to let everything out, to take just a little bit of that weight off. He felt whole again, all the shattered pieces held together in Yahaba's arms.

"Are you awake?" Kyoutani asks softly.

"Mmm?" Yahaba hums sleepily.

"I never thought I would have anyone when Shiba died. I was always prepared to be alone. So I'm glad I actually have someone to be with now."

"Me too," Yahaba says, kissing the back of Kyoutani's neck before drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay it's done! So, thank you all for reading and thank you to anyone who decides to leave me kudos or comments! I don't have any immediate plans for more kyouhaba stories, but keep an eye out for new stuff!

**Author's Note:**

> My sibling who reads these literally made a sad squeak and then punched me and said, "That's for all the people who won't be able to," when they finished reading. So, I guess I did something right? Anyways, sorry for all that sad, it'll get a little better in the next chapter. I'll be updating this tomorrow, but it might be a little late. Thank you so much for reading and leaving me kudos and comments!


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